Thursday, August 19, 2010

The School's Trees: The Brightest Darkness You Can Find (Week of Tears, Part Two)

Unlike most people, I'd never really thought about Nagisa dying. There was so much going on, y'know? I mean sure, when someone spoiled it for me in a youtube video I smacked myself in the head for not thinking about it. It's not that I was surprised, I just hadn't gotten there yet. Tomoya had just proposed and I was still "recovering" from that. I was full of those emotions still, and couldn't process as I watched the next few episodes. I knew it was coming, but I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't. Not after all of this. Tomoya and Nagisa had come so far, Tomoya, no I- had learned so much. Surely it wasn't all in vain?

Could fate be avoided?

I couldn't believe my eyes.

Throughout the series I felt my mistrust of God and the world evaporate along with Tomoya's. I found myself believing again, possibly in the same way that Tomoya did. Maybe the world really was as kind as it looked, maybe things really were that good, maybe the proposal was still possible, maybe I could still recover like Tomoya did.

But Nagisa was dead.

All I could do was weep. Gone was the sublimity of happiness, sadness, and hope in my tears. All there was was despair. Tomoya had concluded the same thing as I did.

It was pointless.

What's the point of doing anything if we die?  

If all my hopes and dreams and efforts end in vain why try? Shouldn't it be better to never try to begin with? But I couldn't accept that. Life wasn't this depressing, and I knew it! So I searched my mind and my past for the answer. But I couldn't find an alternative. Nagisa was dead.

And so I cried.

I heard crying and turned around. There was Marty. He'd taken off his glasses, wiping his eyes as the tears streamed down. I felt like we were mourning the death of a mutual friend, no- we were mourning the death of a friend.  We were mourning the death of a very dear friend. All our memories were tainted now, and nothing could be the same. Nagisa was dead.

The room faded to darkness with the end of the episode. We made sure of it. No cheery ending for us.

I sat there, arguing with myself. Surely there had to be some hope, somewhere! There had to be an answer to my question. But the more I thought about it, the more I agreed. As much as I didn't want to admit it, I agreed with Tomoya. It would have been better that he'd never met her. It would have been better if I had never grown up, never survived the obstacles of my childhood, never gone to college, never met Jamie, never gone out with her, never made any mistakes, and never tried.

Death was the only answer.

My thoughts were interrupted by Marty's roommate's need to sleep, so I excused myself for the night, wiping my eyes and putting on a smile for the precious few people who were awake. But the question still stuck with me as I lay in bed.

What's the point if we all die?

What if the nihilists are right? My lack of an answer was the only thing I had. I'd never had something closer  to me than a pet die. I'd never thought about these questions before, because I'd been so concerned about surviving. But what if it didn't matter? Death was around the corner, and it wanted me as badly as it wanted Nagisa.

And I had no answer for it.

My sincerest thanks to Clannad Central for keeping up with me this week, especially in light of my grandmother. She's recovering quite rapidly, and astounding the doctors, thank God. Thank you all for your time, and God bless.